Just added some photos from two USA trips, both to Charlotte, North Carolina. These were the 2nd and 3rd trips to the city to visit our daughter. The pre-pandemic first trip details can be found here
The first in December 2021 somewhat constrained by COVID tests and restrictions. It featured Christmas, New Year, and the highlight, the engagement of our daughter. The proposal at sunset on the beach in Ocean Isle. The trip included the first physical and very emotional meeting with her thanks to the global pandemic for a few years.
In June 2022, we returned for our first trip in Summer. Despite airline delays and lost baggage, thanks to AA and BA not assisted by Heathrow and JFK, we had a great time. We also headed up into the Blue Ridge mountains another contrast in Summer from the cold of winter and in other photos. Our previous trip to the mountains at Christmas 2018 featured snow and storms before the cold of Washington. This time we paddled in waterfalls.
Out of hundreds of photos taken with family and friends, I’ve selected a few to share to a wider audience. The contrast with winter was not just the average temperatures but the greenery of the scenes.
Charlotte is a rapidly expanding city with new housing and businesses seemingly everywhere. No wider trips on this visit except up to the mountains.
Today 31st March is a strange day. Following redundancy I have decided to retire from full-time employment. I wish I could say my working life has No Regrets like the song but there have been many. I didn’t do it all My Way either despite many positives.
History
I started full time work with a small company called Microwave Associates as an electronics technician before moving to British Aerospace testing missile components – which could be a lot of fun – I had a penchant for blowing things up.
I joined the Royal Air Force and was commissioned in time for the end of the Falklands War, luckily I didn’t go down there until later.
After 17.5 years I left to start a civilian career. I had lots of jobs with lots of different companies, some so-called permanent roles and then may engagements was a contractor. Some contractor roles lasted longer than the permanent ones. That was before returning to full time for the last ten years or so and now that has come to an end.
What Now
Of course, never say never, but… I have hectic plans for the next few months, and a very long list of things that I have been putting off. Now, I may I have more time. I’ll continue to write whenever I can or get the urge.
I’ll still take photos and post some. I hope to get my guitar and piano back to a decent standard (Not much hope there). Perhaps, I will finish digitising old photo albums.
My much better half has a few things planned, and we have travel plans too. Perhaps another long distance walk, now the memory of the pain of the last few days of South Downs has dimmed.
All these plans depend on maintaining our health and keeping finances in budget.
Reflections
This is a time to reflect, and I have been over the last few weeks. The clock has slowly ticked down. No more email and Teams meetings. No more deadlines and fighting corporate bureaucracy. I will miss work colleagues, but I won’t miss late night go-lives or security incidents.
None of us know how long we’ll have left to enjoy life. I certainly intend to enjoy what time I do have without worrying about booking leave and making sure that task is complete. So, a new chapter begins. That reminds me I need to get writing….
Approaching the 20th anniversary of the attacks, I like many others, have been reflecting on 9/11 and New York.
My family and I were on holiday in New York in the summer of 2001. It was our first trip back to the USA since we had left from living there in February 1998. Little did we know, as we visited the sites, what would unfurl a few weeks later. There are some photos below, including a couple from 2008 when we returned via a cruse ship sailing at dawn into New York
Reflecting on NYC 2008 with no towers
One summer morning, we queued by the elevators to reach the Top of The World observation deck on the 107th floor. It was not a bright blue morning sky that greeted us. Not like the blue we saw in the pictures weeks later. It was cloudy and hazy. A day or so before, we had been at the top of the Empire State looking across the city at the towers. Now, we looked the other way and watched the ants in the squares below. Virtually every view of the city contained the iconic landmarks.
Reflecting On The Attack
We were back home in UK, when like the rest of the world we watched in fascinated horror as the buildings were hit and then fell. I was at work when others called me to look at the news coverage. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Like many others I thought it was a plane accident to start with. We’d watched the planes heading along the Hudson river. Stared out the windows at the cityscape as we flew into JFK a few days before. Then, the second plane hit and there was no doubt.
There were phone calls home and concern about relatives and friends who may or may not be in New York and Washington. I had former US military colleagues in the Pentagon (all safe it turned out, but some close shaves). Many contacts who visited New York. Then, there was the fear of an attack in the UK.
Air Defence
I was quizzed about what might be happening. My new civilian work colleagues of just a couple of years, knew I had been in the RAF and some knew that was in Air Defence. Our office was adjacent to an airfield. I could imagine the scrambles of jets and alerts rushing round the system. I could imagine my RAF colleagues manning consoles and radars, as they tried to check every single plane flying in and near UK airspace. Just in case the conspiracy was across the world.
I stated loudly in the open plan office, that the USA ‘would go to war over this.’ My comment was met by some disbelief. I had no pre-knowledge, other than my time serving directly with the US military. Such an attack could not go unpunished. I had seen intelligence from a few years before. It was used it in classified lectures I gave that mentioned the rise of Islamic extremism, across the World. Nothing specific to an attack on the USA. There had been attacks earlier that year and in previous years. The signs were there. We didn’t know until much later, how much the CIA knew and failed to tell the FBI.
The Holiday
When we stood atop the towers looking at the stunning views, it was just a spectacular visage at the start of a holiday. New York was very crowded and not suited to our young children. They were more used to quiet country towns. As parents, our heads were full of keeping an eye on the children, where we should eat, and the travel plans for the next few days. Central park was a notable exception of tranquillity.
We headed West from Newark to LA, in the following days to visit friends near San Diego. A few days later, we went to Tucson with more friends before a trip to the Canyon and Vegas. We flew back from LA to London. The children went back to school. My wife and I with our respective jobs. I’ve posted some photos, with the addition of a couple from our next visit in 2008 including driving past the then construction site.
The mess that Afghanistan became, has been highlighted with the chaotic withdrawals this summer, The anniversary of the attack that sparked the NATO invasion is not just a twenty year mark. It is something that happens every day and every year for those who lost loved ones in the attacks.
Many Anniversaries
It’s not just 10, 15, twenty or eventually 50 year occasions. It’s every birthday or wedding anniversary missed. Children’s graduations and other events missing a parent’s attendance. Then, we have the anniversaries of those that lost loved ones or had them returned injured in the wars that followed; highlighted in recent weeks with the events and more deaths in Afghanistan.
Now, is not the time to comment again on the fallacies or justifications of those wars. Instead, I can recall a happy holiday. The gasps at the views and famous landmarks lost. The other pictures I haven’t posted, of my young children, both now grown adults with my daughter living and working as a teacher in the USA.
Skylines have changed, children have grown, yet twenty years have gone in what seems a blink of an eye.
Reflecting On A New York Return?
One day, we’ll probably head back to New York. We were in DC driving past the Pentagon in December 2018. Maybe we will visit the new One World Trade Centre and take a ride to another observation deck. I know I will think back then to other towers and similar, but different views.
The new landmark may be very tall but is perhaps less distinctive than the former twins. If we go, we will certainly visit the memorial. Save for a couple of weeks, we could have been on top of the towers watching the hijacked planes head for us. Our names could be on that list. It was not a close escape but one of several weeks. Luck of time and distance, as many things in life are.
A colleague of mine was sailing towards New York that day. He was due to visit the Towers on the 12th. He spent a few extra days on the cruise ship before they were flown home when flights resumed. I have colleagues who visited the towers regularly. More worked in the Pentagon or they were frequent fliers on internal US flights criss-crossing the country for work or pleasure. I know others who were on-board planes at the time and the fear that swept though them. I was in an office, not where I had been a few weeks before.
A time for reflection, a time to mourn, but also a time to be thankful that I had the experience of standing in the breeze looking at the Statue of Liberty.
Just added some new butterfly photos from the South Downs Way Walk and these are one of my favourite things to see. This beauty was feasting on a lone flower as we walked the last day. Two shots were very quickly taken and I got lucky as auto-focus was troubling.
We (my wife Lisa and I) have finally completed the South Downs Way on Friday 16th July having originally commenced it on 25th May 2019! My knees may never recover as The Seven Sisters took their toll.
SDW Map and Elevation
The map and elevation guides above show the route from Winchester in Hampshire, England through to Eastbourne in Sussex. During the walk we gained one dog, several pounds in weight and two years in age including one with a zero for me. We lost the year of planning to complete the route in 2020 due to the global pandemic.
Many will do the walk faster or complete tougher/longer walks. We have done tougher individual climbs Helvellyn in the Lake District a notable previous trip.
I’ve created a full gallery page which you can find here with all the photos and more than are in this blog. The scenery is stunning, the natural world and wildlife is wonderful. It’s not as exotic as Borneo or Costa Rica but a lot closer to home. For the quintessential England of rolling hills, and patchwork colours, it’s hard to beat.
Using the excellent pocket guide, South Downs Way by Jim Manthorpe & Daniel McCrohan which helpfully splits the route into legs travelling West to East. The reverse is also available for those wanting to travel East to West.
100 Miles To Go
We started off in May 2019 with the aim to complete that summer but as usual life got in the way and we had only completed 70 of the 100 miles from Winchester by the end of November 2019. We drove away from Pyecombe on a bright but cold early winter’s day when the short daylight hours limited further attempts. We stopped for the winter expecting to restart in Spring 2020. Well nothing restarted until July 2021. We managed to book some accommodation for now two dogs and two adults. Not easy at best of times as few hotels, B&Bs or cottages are available that take dogs and cottages. (They wanted a lot of money and a week’s booking too.)
The walk is full of stunning views and panoramas:
In November 2019, we had managed two days in a row with calm weather even if cold and despite arriving in the dark. Going downhill at dusk can be fun – not. We split two days walking with a stay in the South Downs Way B&B Poynings (Very Good). The B&B lies in the valley off of the walk and therefore not at a start or end point.
Previous days we had driven to the day’s end point then taken a taxi (dogs allowed booking) back to the start point. On one day, for Leg 4, we had taken the train from Amberley Station to Chichester, and then a bus to a start point in the lay by ending from Leg 3. These were new experiences for Merlot our then 9 year old lone tricolour border collie, since joined by his great nephew Malbec.Both MastaMariners
A bus and a train all in one day – woof!
Leaving the car in a lay bys or car parks to be reclaimed with tired and muddy walkers and one dog at that time, is fine if the journey back home is about an hour. As we ventured further east the trip out and back increased, traffic and weary bones starts limiting the enjoyment so more planning for overnight stays and therefore hopes of good weather.
We were lucky on nearly every occasion. On only one day did we have heavy rain at any point and that was on Leg 2 when despite a reasonable forecast our luck did not hold.
SDW Rain
More Rain
Sheep Wool
Cloudy Skies
Then again there were days with glorious weather, too warm to walk and the problem of water. The heat of summer did lead to some spectacular sights.
Sunflowers
There were occasional unexpected stops
Fishing river but cafe too!Welcome Break
Finally in July 2021 we were able to re-start and complete the walk. Two nights staying in the centre of Lewes (pronounced Lew-is) at The White Hart (Needs some TLC). This covered Leg 7 – which was a long leg. Some great views but one very long concrete paved track down hill into Southease followed by a train back into Lewes. Even Malbec making his debut was not impressed.
Concrete Path on route to Southease
We ate local meals in the centre with an accompanying local beverage. The beer had to travel across the road!
A local beverage
This was followed by two nights in Eastbourne at the York Hotel on the sea front (nice with a pool and a sea view in a large room!). The legs had fabulous scenery and increasing temperatures.
There is a choice for walkers for the last leg, inland or down to the coast. We chose the coastal route. The leg was tough going covering the walk to the coast from Alfriston, past the Litlington White Horse (across the valley) through to Seven Sisters Country Park and then the Seven Sisters themselves and Beachy Head. A lot of up and down in a roller coaster path, for which the ticket entry was painful knees and more blisters.
Litlington White Horse
River CuckmereBelle Tout Lighthouse in the distanceBelle Tout Light HouseNearly there – Eastbourne walking down from Beachy HeadThe SDW End
Finally a suitable toast with my beautiful wife to complete the walk
Lisa end toast
Legs
Leg 1 – Winchester (elevation 20 feet at Riverside) to Exton – 25th May 2019 – 12 Miles / 19.5 km – two main climbs Cheesefoot Hill 577ft and Beacon Hill 659ft
Leg 2 – Exton to Buriton (Queen Elizabeth Country Park) – 15th June 2019 -12.5 miles / 20 km – Butser Hill 886 ft
Leg 3 – Buriton to Cocking – 16th July 2019 10.5 miles / 17 km – Beacon Hill 794 ft
Leg 4 – Cocking to Amberley – 3rd August 2019 – 11.5 miles / 18.5 km – Bignor Hill 738 ft
Leg 5 – Amberley to Steyning – 28th November 2019 – 10 miles / 16 km – Chanctonbury Ring 771 ft
Leg 6 – Steyning to Pyecombe – 29th November 2019 – 10 miles / 16 km – Devils Dyke 673 ft
A long break….
Leg 7 – Pyecombe to Southease – 14th July 2021 – 14.5 miles / 23.5 km – Ditchling Beacon 814 ft
Leg 8 – Southease to Alfriston – 15th July 2021 – 7.75 miles/ 12.5 km – Firle Beacon 712 ft
Leg 9 – Alfriston to Eastbourne (Meads) Coastal route – 16th July 2021 – 10.5 miles / 17 km – Beachy Head 538 ft
The NSA and GCHQ Programs provide insight into government snooping chains. This blog also provides a forward to my book Sail Chains. The current focus on surveillance and privacy is based on the actions of Facebook, Amazon and google. The allied western intelligence agencies do much more. Previous blogs
Secure communications, tracking, and other jargon is used within this tale. The descriptions are based on real techniques used in Information Technology and Intelligence Surveillance. Some are described below to avoid lengthy passages of explanation in the narrative of the book and here in this blog for public edification.
Five-Eyes
Five-Eyes is an intelligence alliance comprising Australia, Canada, New Zealand, the United Kingdom, and the United States. These countries are parties to a multilateral agreement which is a treaty for joint cooperation in signals intelligence. It is a wide ranging agreement and includes facilities in each country including the Government Communication Headquarters, GCHQ, in Cheltenham, UK, and the National Security Agency, NSA, with its HQ at Fort Meade in the USA. Both organisations also carry out their own operations and programmes. Many of these programmes were known in small parts to the media and hence general public; however the extent of these programmes was not well known until the revelations leaked or stolen by Edward Snowden.
Legal restrictions in all Five Eyes countries are supposed to restrict or prevent gathering of information on citizens. Secret courts, FISA (Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act) in USA and CMPs (Closed Material Procedures) in UK provide legal cover. Parliamentary or Congressional scrutiny is very limited. In many cases the elected representatives or their advisors do not have sufficient levels of security clearance to see the material about the programmes let alone the technical understanding of the implications.
The NSA is not supposed to spy on US citizens without a warrant but they can collect data about US citizens whilst spying on foreigners. In one example 90% of the data collected in one sweep was about US citizens (>9,500 citizens out of 11,000 contacts). In this way GCHQ can spy on US Citizens and vice versa and each can pass data to the other through the Five Eyes and not be subject to any scrutiny. It is clear from multiple sources that this spying is not just on threats but also on journalists, whistleblowers and multiple other targets that the security services have decided are legitimate targets.
Snowden
The main details were leaked by Edward Snowden to two reporters Barton Gellman who published via the Washington Post and Glenn Greenwald in The Guardian. A film maker, Laura Poitras conducted interviews and also acted as a go-between, especially between Snowden and Gellman during the initial contacts when source VERAX was making contact. Many of the electronic copies of papers and programme details remain unreleased by the journalists. The NSA and GCHQ continue to deny many of the details, see here
STELLARWIND
was the code name of a warrant less surveillance program begun under the George W. Bush administration’s President’s Surveillance Program. The National Security Agency (NSA) program was approved by President Bush shortly after the September 11, 2001, attacks and was revealed by Thomas Tamm to The New York Times in 2004. STELLARWIND’s output is fed into the MAINWAY database
PRISM
PRISM is a code name for a program under which the NSA collects internet communications from various US internet companies. The NSA had placed collection systems directly in the data centres of the large tech companies including Microsoft, Google, Apple, Facebook and others. Due to the nature of Internet routing many non-US connections route or partially route via the data centres. Thus privacy campaigners use Virtual Private Networks, VPNs, and other techniques to mask their messages. These techniques are also used by enemies including terrorists.
MAINWAY
MAINWAY is a database maintained by the NSA (and Five Eyes partners) containing metadata for hundreds of billions of telephone calls made through the four largest telephone carriers in the United States: AT&T, SBC, BellSouth (all three now called AT&T) and Verizon. The existence of this database and the NSA program that compiled it was unknown to the general public until USA Today broke the story on May 10, 2006. It is estimated that the database contains over 1.9 trillion call-detail records. The records include detailed call information (caller, receiver, date/time of call, length of call, etc.) for use in traffic analysis and social network analysis, but do not include audio information or transcripts of the content of the phone calls.
Contact Chaining
Contact Chaining is a method of querying data held in MAINWAY to produce contact maps and then using associated algorithms of contacts of a target several levels away e.g. secondary, tertiary and beyond contact of contacts of contacts. Because MAINWAY holds historical data, officially 5 years worth for US citizens but with many caveats, previous contacts can be traced. Exceptions to deletion are any link to on-going or security investigations. This gives rise to an exponential increase in potential contacts. If the first contact has ten contacts and each has ten more and these in turn have ten more at 3rd degree of separation there are now 10x10x10 = 1,000. Most humans have far more than 10 contacts thus chains become very large very quickly. The game 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon, the US Actor, demonstrates this is more humorous ways.
Algorithms are used to reduce the numbers or combine them into groups. This data is then combined with other communications data, for example, social medial posts and email, to build up a contact map. The seed in this case is the initial target or intercept which by correlating with another seed B. Contact C is thus linked in the chain.
Or a real one shown by the US news programme 60 Minutes
Any one of these contacts or nodes could be the enemy that is sought or allow movements, locations and activity patterns to be tracked thus enabling potential targeting for surveillance or more direct action. Sometimes the enemy is unknown. The node shown is a phone, email address, social media handle, website, which the technique attempts to link to an individual or organisation. A phone number of a head office could be used by hundreds of contacts. How the data is processed into MAINWAY with other named systems mentioned is shown below:
Enemies attempt to hide this activity by changing contact methods, encryption of the content of messages and other evasion techniques. For the NSA and GCHQ they are also tasked with creating method of protecting data from such intercepts by foreign powers or bad actors. Other techniques such as operating cell techniques can founder with just a single contact under the chain. Thus operational security measures are overcome. For example two terrorist cells with a leadership planning a coordinated attack can be linked.
CO-TRAVELER
A system called CO-TRAVELER is designed to track who meets with whom and covers everyone who carries a mobile/cell phone, all around the world. CO-TRAVELER collects billions of records daily of phone user location information. It maps the relationships of mobile/cell phone users across global mobile network cables, gathering data about who you are physically with, and how often your movements intersect with other phone users. The program even tracks when your phone is turned on or off.
TOR – Protects from government snooping or does it?
Tor is free and open-source software for enabling anonymous communication by directing Internet traffic through a worldwide overlay network. It consists of more than seven thousand relays designed to conceal a user’s location and usage from anyone conducting network surveillance or traffic analysis. Using Tor makes it more difficult to trace the Internet activity to the user: this includes “visits to Web sites, online posts, instant messages, and other communication forms”. Tor’s intended use is to protect the personal privacy of its users, as well as their freedom and ability to conduct confidential communication by keeping their Internet activities unmonitored. It was created by the Office of Naval Research and DARPA as a security protection project and the papers from Snowden demonstrated that the NSA had managed to set up infiltration into the network.
VPNs – Encrypt channels of communication thus protecting chains but not that a connection exists
Virtual Private Networks (VPNs) are encrypted channels between one or more network points. They normally use some form of shared encryption key between the end points thus preventing interception of the communication content; however, the metadata (data about data) can still be traced including locations, of end points, times of transmission, etc. Therefore, STELLARWIND can collect this data and deposit into MAINWAY for use in Contact Chaining. If a phone is used as the data connection CO-TRAVELER can match locations and obtain more metadata in addition to location and other data sources nearby.
GCHQ
GCHQ has a different set of names achieving the same ends see here. This shows the applications CARPART, PRIMETIME, SNAPDRAGON, MoaG, SORTING FRIENDS sending data into a system called CHART BREAKER, and onwards into CONTACT LENS which is the Contact Chaining output from MAINWAY and CHART BREAKER
One Morning in the office is a thread on Goodreads
No longer @realDonaldTrump
Goodreads full comments “This way Mr. President” “I know the way, I was Vice-President for eight years you know.” “Yes, Sir, Sorry Sir” “Why are all these ramps here?” “Disability access ramps, Sir” “I know what they are why are they here?” “Your predecessor stated you may need them given your advancing years and so on.” “What?” Spoken louder “YOUR PREDECESSOR..” “Why are you shouting?” “Your predecesso…” “You mean Trump.” “We’re not allowed to say his name Sir, we had instructions from Vice President, I mean former Vice President Pence, to not allow his name to be mentioned.” “Why were you shouting?” “We were told you may be hard of hearing due to your ….” “I’m not hard of hearing and I’m not in a wheelchair” “But you are older than…” “Enough!” They enter the famous room. “At last the Oval office.” “We decorated as you wished Sir, the busts and pictures have been changed – caused quite some commotion with your prede..” Scowl from new President “… I mean President Trump as he had some other busts he wanted to keep.” “Best we don’t go into that.” “No Sir, his letter is on the desk.” “The one with the postmark from Moscow.” “Yes Sir, special delivery.”
The President sits behind the desk and surveys the Oval Office. He scans the room with a small smile of satisfaction on his face, before his vision alights on a board on one wall.
“What’s that?” “For you Sir to help.” “Isn’t that a picture of my wife?” “Yes Sir, in case you forget.” How dare you! I know who my wife is” “At the moment Sir, this is in case it gets worse.” “What gets worse?” “Your dementia, Sir” “What dementia?” “Have you forgotten already?” “I do not have Dementia!” “Your predece…” “Damn my predecessor!” Takes deep breath. “Who’s the Black Lady in the photo’s” “Your VP Sir.” “I have a black female VP?” “Yes Sir, don’t you remember you were elected with her.” “The one on the capital steps?” “Yes Sir at the inauguration.” “Didn’t recognise her without her mask. Where is she?” “Managing the Senate and drawing up your first executive orders. They should be here later this morning. She sent instructions to make sure you have your afternoon nap and I have to disconnect the hot line.” “The Moscow hot line?” “No, Sir the Deliveroo and MacDonald fast order hotline. We missed it during your prede… Mr Trumps departure. It’s that one next to the pictures of all your staff.” The President attempts to change the TV Channel”What’s wrong with this TV I can’t change the channel from Fox?” “All the other channels were disabled Sir.” “Change it.” “Yes Sir” “And get rid of this” He pulls a book from a drawer “What is it?” “The Dummies Guide to Tweeting….”
“I’m not leaving.” “No, Sir you have until January.” “I’m not leaving ever!”
“Sir, I have your Big Mac extra large, you can eat it at your desk.” With a huff of compliance the 45th President of the United States of America take his seat behind the Oval Office desk. “Sir, FLOTUS says, that you can’t come back to the private apartments until you have a shower.” “I’m not leaving the Office of President. The election was stolen I tell you stolen.” “Yes Sir, we know Sir, Mr. Giuliani has told us all that it was stolen and to make sure we say it too.” Through munching of Big Mac “Good man Rudi, Great Man, Greatest lawyer ever just great.”
“Yes SIr, I’m sure Sir. Just One thing on the Councillor….”
“What? Not that movie again?”
“No Sir, Mr Cohen, is not involved.” “Who’s Cohen not my old lawyer? He’s in jail isn’t he?”
“No Sir, he’s out, that’s Michael Cohen the movie is Mr Sasha Baron Cohen
“He’s a Baron?”
“No, that’s his name?”
“I thought it was Borat” “That’s his character Sir, we are somewhat off the point.” “I’ll get Boris to lock him up. worked for Hilary!”
“It didn’t… never mind. The Prime Minister cannot lock him up.” “We got Assange locked up.”
“Not quite but back to the point?”
“You’re spoiling my Big Mac going to need another one of these.” “Yes Sir, the third one this morning will, be here shortly. Where was I?” “Told you we should have put a franchise in the Rose Garden who needs a rose garden anyway?” “Sir. Mr. Giuliani is being sued by a Porn emporium.” “I wasn’t there, I never touched her, she signed an NDA, she…” “Sir not you!” “Told you., told you, where’s my burger? “You’ve eaten it,” sigh, “the next one will be here in,” checking phone, ” five minutes according to Deliveroo. Shall I continue?”
“Has Vlad or XI called?” “No Sir.” Sound of sobbing.
“I miss them.” “Yes Sir, Mr. Giuliani is being sued for defamation.” “What? In the car lot even I didn’t get the…” “Sir defamation not defaca… I mean Sir, The Porn store not star are upset about being called a video shop. Video shops are dead Sir. They feel their sales will be affected so they are suing. The Four Seasons….” “Lousy hotel chain not like Trump hotels, greatest hotels ever great just great…” “The Four Seasons Landscape Gardeners are also suing for failing to get a permit for a press conference on their parking lot. “Is that it?” “Not quite Sir. Defence Sir.” “Have they got my barbed wire?” “About that SIr?” “I fired that idiot Esper for not getting it. I’m good at firing and tweeting and firing and…” “Sir, Mr Esper left because as he told you you are not permitted to surround the Oval Office with barbed wire and mines ” “Why not I’m the President I can do what I want. I can fire Congress if I want, send in troops launch the nuclear thingies…” Sound of door knocking, mumbled “Thank God,” More loudly, “Sir your next Big Mac.” “Oh great just great the greatest burgers in the world for the greatest President…” “Sir, Ivanka says that you can have her lollipop if you do the Warp Speed Press Conference.” “It’s a deal as soon as I’ve finished this Big Mac I like talking about Star Trek.” “Yes Sir. Whilst you eat that these two men are just going to take some carpet measurements.”
“Are we getting new carpets?” “No Sir the next President is.”
Zoom Video Conference – hacked recording… Vlad: “Are we all here?” Xi: “Yes Comrade Chairman, I mean friend.” Assad: “Where’s Kim?” Xi: “He’s on mute again” Vlad: “Permanently?” Xi: “No one knows.” Don: “Hey Xi, like the hat and full protective face mask – I thought the fake virus was over in China?” Xi: “It is but I like wearing it Don, I see you have your usual baseball cap.” Don: “It’s a great hat for a great…” Vlad: “Stop the crap about hats everyone. This is serious.” Group: “Sorry Vlad…” Assad: “But Vlad you told us to get hew hats.” Vlad: “Assad you numbskull I said a new hard hat for the air raids next week.” Assad: “What air raids?” Vlad: “The ones Erdogan is arranging .” Assad: “But we are all friends now.” Vlad: “We have to keep COVID off the news.” Don: “Fake news.” Vlad: “Not now Don.” Don: “Sorry Vlad.” Vlad: “Agenda gentlemen agenda and don’t all speak at once like last time. Don, what’s the progress with Biden.” Don: “He hasn’t got it.” Vlad:”Why not?” Don: “He’s taking precautions.” Vlad: “But you’ve lifted the lock down like I told you.” Don: “Yes of course.” Vlad: “Why didn’t he drink the bleach, Kim did claimed he was testing the theory.” Xi: “Numbskull” Vlad: “No need for insults Xi.” Xi: “Sorry Vlad.” Vlad “Don?” Don: “I’m not allowed to mention bleach again.” V;ad: “By whom?” Don: “Ivanka, she is upset that there is no toilet cleaner left in the White House.” Xi: (laughing) “Another shortage in USA?” Don: “Yes, but since we stopped Rudi writing confessions on Toilet paper that situation has improved.” Vlad: “Small victories.” “Yes Vlad, I am planning on mentioning at today’s TV briefing.” All: “No more briefings!!!!!”
After 30 mins of ring tones and 12 menu options the Whitehouse switchboard puts a call through…. “Twitter help desk, how can I help?” “Stop deleting my Tweets” “I’m sorry sir, i just need to ask some security questions before we can look into any technical issues for you. Can i get your name and Twitter ID?” “The real Donald Trump” sound of lines being transferred…. “Twitter help desk how may I help you please answer in a clear voice after I run through the selections you are two thousand and eighty four in the queue, if your call is about Vladamir Putin please press 1 or say yes after the tone.” Beep “Vald? Why Vlad?” “You are now 3465 in the queue, if your call is about Vladamir Putin please press 1 or say yes after the tone.” Beep “No, I mean 2” “You’re through to President Xi’s hotline chat support queue there are 7 million 419 thousand ahead in the line from Honk Kong wishing to verbally pass on Twitter congratulations to President Xi” “I mean one I meant one” “Vlad’s line how can I help?” “Someone is deleting my tweets.” “and” “I need my tweets” “Sir are your tweets in favour of or against our great leader Vladamir Putin?/” “Neither, look I’m the President of the United States and i will ban you if you don’t help.” “Sir if you ban us you won’t be able to tweet.” “OK I won’t ban you I’ll just tweet that I will.” “SIr, we will fact check that tweet and delete as needed.” “Is there someone else I can talk to like a supervisor or someone?” “One moment Sir I’ll transfer you.” “You’re through to President Xi’s hotline chat support queue there are 7 million 419 thousand ahead in the line wishing to verbally pass on Twitter congratulations to President Xi” Dial tone….
“Mr. President, Sir?” “Yes what is it? Where are you?” “Down here Sir. Your latest internal memo to staff.” “What about it?” “Er, I’m….” “Get on with it I have tweets to write and former advisors to sue.” “About the new policy, SIr?” “Yes, yes, the greatest, bestest, biggest, policy ever, I will make America great again.” “Yes, Sir, but can I just check a few things.” “Of course my door is always open except whet its not and no telling anyone what we talked about. By the way where’s my coffee?” “That’s the problem Sir.” :What! We’ve run out of coffee? I though I ordered 500 cases at the start of the lockdown.” “You did Sir, they are in the Situation Room for safe keeping.” “So where’s my coffee.” “Sir, it’s the memo.” “What about it.” “You’ve explicitly told the staff they cannot report what they talk about with you.” “Of course, great policy , great country we’re great and I’m going to make…” “Sir! No one can get you a coffee because no one is allowed to discuss with anyone what you said.” “So you want me to change the policy. I don’t backtrack ever.” “I know Sir, but its not just the discussions its the requirement to crawl in and out on our knees.” “Great idea don’t you think?” “The staff want knee pads Sir but they can’t have them we’re using them all as improvised face masks.” “For what?” “You wanted to stop all the kneeling protests so we requisitioned the nation’s supply.” “See I knew I could stop that protest.” “If that’s all Sir I’ll go and not get you your coffee now and nothing else I won’t get neither nor discuss write down or record any item of our conversation on pain of a week with John Bolton.” “Great great I’ll make it all great….”
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